I don’t want Sean to talk to me.
I don’t want Sean to ask me out.
I don’t want Sean to kiss me. After all, that would be incredibly unpleasant…ahem.
If I was trying to get rid of my obsession with Sean*, those would be the thoughts I’d use to combat the urge to daydream about him. I actually wrote in my journal weeks ago that I was done with him. I wrote that I was letting him go and moving on.
But that hasn’t actually happened. I don’t want to be done with Sean, I don’t want to let him go, and I don’t want to move on. I’ve put too much time into our fantasy relationship. And, unfortunately, I’m being both facetious and serious.
Saying Goodbye to the Sean Saga
Perhaps you feel like you’ve been reading “The Sean Saga” for many of my recent posts. But after five-ish years of crushing on Sean (yes, for real) and not receiving any sign of mutual liking, I had had enough. At least I said I had had enough.
I claimed that my obsession with him was over. I said that he was simply too immature for the king of relationship I wanted. I told myself that I didn’t want him anymore. But inside, I still wanted him very, very much.
Sean was like the item on my wish list that I kept asking for year after year. I realized that I would never get the item and that the item wouldn’t actually make me content. But I still wanted the item, so I kept putting it on my wish list. Why did I want him so badly?
A Fuller Life
I hope he does something really awful so I can stop thinking about him. I hope he starts dating someone else so that I lose hope that I’ll be his someday. I hope he gets a job somewhere else so that I can forget about him.
Unfortunately, my resolve not to crush on Sean–and these “hopes” that our circumstances would change–didn’t make me stop wanting him. He didn’t do anything repulsive, start dating anyone, or move away for another job. So what would make me stop obsessing about a fantasy?
Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4 NASB)
I know what you’re probably thinking. No, I’m not saying that Sean will ask me out if I delight myself in God. That’s absolutely not what I’m saying.
As my counselor has told me about my eating disorder as I recover mentally, my world must expand in order for me to get better. She has said that I have to take advantage of more opportunities and fill my life with things besides anorexia so that my anorexia seems smaller. Somewhat similarly, my life has to become bigger–or fuller–so that my obsession with Sean will feel smaller.
So, by including Psalm 37:4 in this post, I encourage you to delight yourself in the Lord. Fill your life with Him. Because He knows exactly what you need to give you purpose in life.
What We’re Missing out On
Yes, it’s completely normal to have homes and dreams. But these hopes and dreams often occupy our time and energy, whether it’s five minutes a day or five hours a day. We can’t let them control our lives.
For example, it’s not necessarily a sin to chase after your dream job, to yearn for a child, or to desire a change in ministry roles. But do you focus on your dream job more than your current job? Do you think about having a child of your own more than you think about your current family situation? Do you daydream about having a new ministry role more than you focus on your current ministry role?
If you think more about what could be than about what is, it’s time to fill your life with the Lord and the opportunities that He has given you for the present.
I’m going to be transparent with you: I don’t want to stop liking Sean. He’s a great looking guy with a great personality, and he’s really fun to think about. But I can fill my life with other things besides fantasies of him and being with him. He doesn’t have to be my everything–and he shouldn’t be.
Fantasies aren’t realities for a reason. Thoughts and hopes for the future are fun to think about, but they’re not realities right now. By delighting ourselves in the Lord, our lives become filled with Him and His gifts for today. Don’t miss the opportunity to delight yourself in Him by dreaming about tomorrow.
*Name has been changed.
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