Today’s post was written by author Barb Winters, whose book Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships was published earlier this year. In addition to being an author, Barb is also a speaker, certified Sexual Risk Avoidance Specialist, certified mental health coach, and founder of Hopeful Mom: Supporting Parents in an Online World. Her experience helping her son overcome a pornography addiction will give you hope if you’re struggling with a porn addiction—or honestly any addiction—that you desire to be free from.
A New Perspective
When I learned my then-14-year-old had been watching pornography behind my back for years, I was shocked and spent several days trying to comprehend the enormity of the situation. I was in denial, partially because this was my “good” child. He made me laugh, told me secrets, and never lied. We had lengthy conversations about right and wrong, good and evil. I felt betrayed by this difficult news, but I was thankful for the opportunity to help him.
Many parents are clueless. I knew porn existed but didn’t know how easily accessible it is—or how curious preteens and teens are about it. We’d assumed that because we were a Bible-believing home and taught our children right from wrong, they’d stay away from porn. But we were wrong.
Maybe your parents don’t understand the prevalence of pornography in today’s society. Maybe they haven’t protected devices with filters because they don’t know they need to.
As I researched pornography’s effects, I learned that it’s incredibly pervasive and that middle schoolers and high schoolers send nudes on a regular basis. Even though children who struggle with porn problems feel guilty and ashamed, they’re typically reluctant to tell their parents because they’re afraid to disappoint them—or they don’t want to get in trouble.
Statistics Don’t Lie
If you’re a teen or young adult, chances are you’ve been exposed to pornography—whether you searched for it deliberately, stumbled across it accidentally, or a friend showed you. Some watch once and never go back. But others are pulled in over and over again until they’re hooked. Even girls.
If you think about porn often, can’t sleep at night without it, or feel ashamed because you can’t stop or hide your behavior, you could have a porn problem. Give your parents a chance to help you. Or find a trusted adult to confide in—a friend’s parent, a teacher, a counselor, or a pastor.
My Experience
I was dumbfounded when I first learned of my son’s porn habit. But I also listened and told him we were on his side. We didn’t punish him. Rather, we put boundaries in place to protect him.
Unfortunately, he continued his behavior. Thankfully, he eventually responded to a presentation at youth group. The leader described how porn ruined his parents’ marriage and other family relationships. My son absorbed this information and recognized his behavior could wreck his future. He came to me and my husband for help.
It wasn’t easy to hear my son’s confession. I wanted to scream and yell, and some parents may. But after my emotions settled, my mama bear instincts kicked in—so I tried to help him overcome his bad habit. We listened, were available, put boundaries in place, and supported his endeavors. We did our best not to judge him when he faltered, and we encouraged him when he felt tempted.
His recovery was slow, but he now walks in freedom from his addiction. That’s my hope for all teens and young adults trapped in a pornography addiction.
I can’t predict how your parents (or other trusted adult) will respond when you disclose your problem to them. However, the effects of a porn addiction are far more destructive than confessing.
But if we walk in the light, as he is in the light, we have fellowship with one another, and the blood of Jesus his Son cleanses us from all sin. (1 John 1:7 ESV)
Tips and Advice
- Tell them when they’re most receptive. Wait until they aren’t hungry or tired. Talk to them in private.
- Be truthful. Disclose all pertinent information without providing an overwhelming number of details. Answer their questions honestly.
- Give them space to process. Your parents may not understand why watching porn is a problem, or they may be shocked. However they react, be patient with them. Let them express their feelings.
- Seek forgiveness. Own up to how you’ve hurt them, lied to them, and betrayed their trust.
- Ask for help. Most parents want to help their kids. Request their help and be willing to accept it.
- Educate and offer advice. Offer suggestions on how they can help you.
- Be patient. Remember your parents feel betrayed, so it’s hard for them to trust again. It may take time and reassurance on your part. Respond gently when they question your actions and motives repeatedly.
- Keep them informed. Check in with them regularly. Give them updates when you make progress—and when you relapse.
Over time, my son and I reconciled and restored our relationship. I learned to trust him again. We’re now closer than we’ve ever been. I look up to him as a hero. I respect his determination and perseverance, and I admire who he’s become. That’s my hope for you.
Barb Winters is the author of Sexpectations: Helping the Next Generation Navigate Healthy Relationships. She is the mom of a recovered pornography addict, speaker, certified Sexual Risk Avoidance Specialist, certified mental health coach, and founder of Hopeful Mom: Supporting Parents in an Online World, where she offers encouragement and practical advice to parents and leaders. Connect with Barb at HopefulMom.net.
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