March 1 marked one year since I met James*—the first guy who asked me out and the first guy who broke my heart.
Just a week before that, I actually saw him at an event at a church. I hadn’t seen him since the previous summer, and I hadn’t expected to see him at that event. I immediately felt apprehensive when I saw him. I tried to be cool and calm, but I could feel myself trembling.
Apprehension wasn’t my only reaction though. Seeing James again also brought other emotions—like sadness and anger—to the surface. I thought I’d forgiven him for hurting me. But that night, I realized maybe I hadn’t—at least not completely.
As If Nothing Ever Happened
James and I went on three dates, which might not sound like a big deal. But for a girl who had never gone on a date before that—and has only gone on one date since that—three dates felt like a hundred dates. As soon as I met him, I wanted to go out with him. I fell very hard, very fast. So when he asked me out, I was ecstatic. My ecstasy didn’t last very long though.
After Date #3, I knew I needed to end the relationship (which I would’ve attempted to end graciously), but I never got that opportunity because James ghosted me. And that truly stunned me. Rather than ending the relationship with kindness—or even courtesy—he simply moved on. I saw him at events several times afterward, and he pretended that I didn’t exist—and that he hadn’t done anything wrong.
And then there he was. Sitting on the cajón. Singing “The Blessing” by Kari Jobe and Cody Carnes. Helping lead worship for an event at a church.
I’m confident he saw me—either during the worship time when he was at the front of the room or during the social time as everyone wandered around the room. After all, the group was small. He knew me. I knew him.
Yet he didn’t wave. He didn’t say hi. He didn’t ask how I was doing. I followed his lead, exiting the building without saying a word to him. I didn’t want to make the situation more awkward than it already was.
But when I got in the car to drive home with my sisters, I made a statement about James—somewhat jokingly, somewhat seriously—that I shouldn’t have made. It was harsh. And honestly, it proved that I hadn’t fully forgiven him for hurting me.
If you’re wrestling with the temptation to remain bitter after a bad breakup rather than forgiving the guy who hurt you, here are two simple but powerful steps you can take toward forgiveness:
1. Be Prayerful
In general, I try to pray about situations that I feel helpless to change. One specific situation that I feel helpless to change is the situation with James. When I recently saw him after approximately eight months of not seeing him, I felt like I was going to implode. My sadness, anger, bitterness, and frustration that had been relatively quiet became obnoxiously loud again.
But I can’t change how he treated me. And I can’t change how I feel about him. All I can do is ask the Lord to replace my negative emotions toward him with peace.
Though you’ve probably heard this a million times, I’m going to say it again because it’s so true and so applicable: You can’t control the way you feel about something; you can only control the way you respond to it. While you might want to feel happy about the guy who broke up with you in a careless or cruel way, you can’t make yourself feel happy. You can, however, take your pain to God and allow Him to heal your broken heart.
Pray for peace. Pray for endurance. Pray for strength to forgive. The Lord is powerful enough to help you move on.
2. Be Patient
Last summer, I forgave James—at least, that’s what I told myself. But after our recent encounter, I realized maybe I needed to “re-forgive” him. Lingering unforgiveness probably prompted me to speak about him so callously.
A couple days later, I wrote a prayer expressing my “re-forgiveness.” I wanted James to face consequences for not treating me well. However, I didn’t wish him harm. I needed to remember God’s grace toward me and remember He extended it to others.
Often, forgiving someone isn’t a one-time event. You might have to “re-forgive” the guy who hurt you in the way he broke up with you, especially if you have one or multiple post-breakup encounters with him. If those encounters stir up negative feelings you haven’t experienced in a while, give yourself the opportunity to process them and pray through them.
You might have to literally say and/or pray every day, “I forgive him.” Don’t expect to instantly forget what he did or how you feel. But do expect to witness God work as you persevere through the pain, prayerfully and patiently surrendering your unforgiveness to Him.
Put on then, as God’s chosen ones, holy and beloved, compassionate hearts, kindness, humility, meekness, and patience, bearing with one another, and if one has a complaint against another, forgiving each other; as the Lord has forgiven you, so you also must forgive. (Colossians 3:12-13 ESV)
*Name has been changed.
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