If you’ve read my latest posts, you know about James* and our real(ish) relationship that ended in April. In short, we hit it off at a Christian singles event, he asked for my number, we went out a few times, and I determined we weren’t on the same page in several areas. But I never had the chance to tell him that because he ghosted me after our third date.
I know James isn’t the right guy for me (or even a good guy in general), but it’s been super hard to get over him and what he’s done to me. Perhaps you, too, have been ghosted and can’t seem to move on. I completely understand your struggle, and I have five hope-filled truths to share with you during this post-ghost season that might surprise you:
Truth #1: Your Sadness Is Legitimate
Even though my third date with James wasn’t great, I genuinely didn’t expect him to ghost me. I thought he’d attempt to go out with me again and I’d turn him down by expressing we weren’t compatible with each other. At the very least, I thought he’d tell me he wasn’t interested in going out again.
Instead, however, I heard nothing from him. I waited for him to text me and even begged God to make him text me, but he never did. When I saw him at the next activity for the Christian singles group, he intentionally ignored me. Unfortunately, his behavior became a pattern, and he soon started dating someone else. I was completely heartbroken.
It’s likely that people in your life have said or implied that being ghosted isn’t a big deal—that it’s just part of the dating process or that it’s not nearly as painful as a formal breakup. But I want you to know that it’s okay to feel disappointed, frustrated, and even heartbroken when a guy ghosts you. You’re not a robot, so when people do hurtful things to you (like ghosting you), it’s completely normal to feel hurt. If you bottle up your feelings or pretend they don’t exist, it’s very possible you’ll become detached and hardened over time.
Truth #2: Ghosting Reveals a Guy’s True Colors
Date #3 was definitely revealing, but the weeks that followed it were even more revealing. As James continued to avoid me, I began to see something very, very clearly: He was insecure, immature, and intimidated by me. He preferred to ignore the gigantic elephant in the room instead of facing me—or even texting me—to tell me he was moving on. The experience showed me his true colors, and they weren’t pretty.
Ghosting is often a sign of immaturity and insecurity. If a guy doesn’t have enough courage or character to say he has enjoyed getting to know you but doesn’t think moving forward would be best because _____ [fill in the blank with a specific reason], he’s probably not the right guy for you. You’re better off without him. Stop expecting him to reach out to explain his reason for going MIA—or to apologize—because that’s probably not going to happen. In the moments you miss him, remember he’s shown you his true colors.
This verse from Peter’s first letter sums up how a guy who follows Jesus should treat the people in his life (including you): “Finally, all of you, have unity of mind, sympathy, brotherly love, a tender heart, and a humble mind” (1 Peter 3:8 ESV). The guy who ghosted you demonstrated a lack of basic Christian virtues, including love and humility. So even though he might have been funny or smart or handsome, he wasn’t honoring God—or you—in the way he treated you.
In next week’s post, I’ll share three more radical truths with you about ghosting. See you then!
*Name has been changed.
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