He’s a devoted follower of Jesus. He’s a hard worker, he’s active in his church, and he’s close with his family. He’s sweet, attentive, and ready to get married. But you’re torn about the relationship because there’s zero chemistry. You don’t vibe with him.
I was in that situation with a guy named Aaron* not long ago. He was nice, and I was lonely. So when he asked for my number, I gave it to him. When he asked me out, I said yes. But when I met him for dinner, I didn’t vibe with him.
Chemistry is a concept that generally feels abstract and mysterious. It often involves people’s appearances, but it can also involve their personality types, their communication styles, and other aspects of who they are. Though it’s not very concrete, I believe it’s more significant than many Christians think.
Kindness Without Chemistry
Long story short, I met Aaron at an event for Christian singles—an event that took place three weeks after James ghosted me. I got to chat with Aaron for a few minutes, and he seemed nice. After the event, he asked for my number and asked me out. I decided to say yes.
About a week later, I met him at a local restaurant for dinner. I learned about his faith, church, family, and career. I didn’t see any red flags.
But it was difficult to talk to him. I felt like I had to drag information out of him, which was draining, and I didn’t find him particularly amusing, engaging, or interesting. So about an hour into our date, I awkwardly blurted out, “Well, I guess I’ll head home.”
I didn’t want to hurt his feelings, but I just didn’t vibe with him—and I think he knew that because I never heard from him again.
Of course, I overthought everything, including the event where we met and the date where we (permanently) parted ways. I wondered why he struck me so right at the event. I thought about the Bible verse that says, “What is desirable in a man is his kindness, and it is better to be a poor man than a liar” (Proverbs 19:22 NASB1995). Maybe I was ready to connect with someone who was kind because James wasn’t kind—or maybe I was simply on the rebound. Either way, the experience reminded me see why chemistry is so important in relationships.
It Really Is Okay to Move On
So. There’s a guy who likes you, and you think you might like him too. He takes the initiative and asks if you want to go out with him. You decide to give him a chance because he seems like a good guy. You go on a few dates with him, hoping you’ll develop feelings of attraction as time goes on, but those feelings never come. You just don’t vibe with him.
Objectively, he’s a catch. He’s a compassionate, confident, gentle, hardworking, humble, mature, and respectful Christian guy. He genuinely likes you, and he passionately pursues you. But you can’t shake your apprehension about moving forward with him.
Friends, I stand by what I said in a post I published four years ago: “Honestly, I believe it’s okay to want to marry handsome guys—as long as marrying godly guys is our first priority. I believe God wired us to be attracted to certain people. I don’t have a Bible verse to back this up, but I don’t think we have to settle for guys whom we find unattractive.”
I don’t think chemistry should be your top priority, but I think it can be a priority. It’s okay if you don’t vibe with a guy—due to his appearance, personality type, communication style, etc.—but it’s probably unwise to stretch out the relationship with the hope that you’ll vibe with him someday. It might be time to end the relationship.
*Names have been changed.
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