April 4

Years ago, I published a poem named Stuck. In that poem, I wrote about feeling trapped in destructive sinful habits. Though the poem I’m sharing today has a similar topic, it has a different angle.

For the past nine months, I’ve felt trapped in a specific moment—the moment James* turned his back on me. I realize most people have experienced much harder things in life, but I’m still dealing with the sting of rejection and the internal what-if-he-hadn’t-rejected-me questions. Psalm 69 (part of which is included below) reminds me that the Lord is a mighty deliverer who can save His children from the mire—or the moments—where they feel helpless and hopeless.

It’s April 4
A Friday
At noon

We’re sitting at a high-top table in a café but we’re not vibing
I’m asking hard-ish questions
You’re giving vague-ish answers

I’m still sitting at that high-top table in that café
But you’re not with me
I’m alone and I’m stuck

I’m stuck in your eyes, your smile, your voice
I’m stuck in the words you said and the way I felt
I’m stuck in what we could’ve been—what I wanted us to be

I’m stuck in the moment that the atmosphere changed
The moment that “fond of you” escaped your lips
The moment that “casual approach” chased after it

Sadness settles over me
When I think about April 4
When I think about where you left me, why you left me, how you left me

But I’m tired of feeling trapped in the sorrow and the pain
God, please make me unstuck
God, please make me free again

But as for me, my prayer is to you, O LORD. At an acceptable time, O God, in the abundance of your steadfast love answer me in your saving faithfulness. Deliver me from sinking in the mire; let me be delivered from my enemies and from the deep waters. Let not the flood sweep over me, or the deep swallow me up, or the pit close its mouth over me. Answer me, O LORD, for your steadfast love is good; according to your abundant mercy, turn to me. (Psalm 69:13-16 ESV)

*Name has been changed.