Dear Ed, let’s rewind a few years, shall we? I know you can remember it. I was 16 years old—a junior in high school trying to figure out her college plans, wanting to grow in her writing craft, and internally panicking about what was ahead. And even though I wasn’t exactly sure how I would get there, I knew that I wanted to be a published author. It had really been my only dream since I was a little girl. But you were willing to do anything and everything to make sure that that dream didn’t become a reality.
When I lost my phone at an amusement park recently, all I did was panic. My mind automatically went into Worst Case Scenario mode. My trip to the Lost and Found Office didn’t help. Nor did making phone calls and filling out online forms. I was completely helpless in this situation. Sure, I said a couple quick prayers of panic. But instead of placing my trust in the Lord—that He would do whatever was best for me in this situation—I worried.
“It wasn’t enough,” a voice tells you. “It wasn’t real. You need to do it again.” As a girl who prayed to trust Christ as my Savior countless times after I initially did as a little child, I know that voice well. I completely understand the urge to “re-do” my salvation. But the belief that the first time we asked Christ to save us wasn’t enough is often a lie from Satan. Here are a few of the top reasons that Satan gives for why our childhood salvation wasn’t enough.
When I had anorexia, I was a talented dieter. I was also a very talented deceiver (which isn’t an accomplishment, by the way). Unfortunately, I am still a very talented deceiver today. That’s why I wanted to share some warning signs of anorexia with you—because anorexia can be very easy to miss. You might think, “Oh, she could never have anorexia” or “I could never have anorexia.” But before you make such a rash judgment, see if you or those you love have exhibited these warning signs.
If I could only tell you one thing, it wouldn’t be “I hope this relationship works out for you” or “I’m sure he’s a great guy, so living with him is okay” or “God hates you for doing this.” Nope. None of those things are true. Instead, I would tell you this: “You can leave your boyfriend at any time. In fact, please do. Absolutely nothing obligates you to stay with him.”
So I have this problem—a problem of pointless pursuits. Pointless pursuits have kind of been the theme of my life, at least my life in the last few years. I haven’t pursued empty things because people failed to warn me about the consequences. No, ignorance wasn’t the issue. My stubbornness was. But warnings are warnings for a reason. This post is my warning to you.
I’ve entrusted my heart to way too many people in my life. Thus, way too many people have disappointed me. Although this is difficult to admit, it’s partially our fault when people disappoint us. They can only disappoint us if we put too much faith, hope, or trust in them. No one deserves our hearts except the One who created them and holds them tenderly.
I know that I almost allowed anorexia nervosa to ruin my life. Thankfully, God intervened. Perhaps you also realize that your eating disorder could’ve ruined your life. But also realize this: you are not your eating disorder.
Eventually, the muffin was gone, and I realized that I had eaten it…well, at least half of it. It wasn’t a giant muffin, but that didn’t make a difference in my post-anorexia mind. It might as well have been a basketball-sized muffin with triple the chocolate chips. The rest of the day, I allowed my thoughts to descend into Ed’s Black Hole.