I don’t want Sean* to talk to me.
I don’t want Sean to ask me out.
I don’t want Sean to kiss me. After all, that would be incredibly unpleasant…ahem.
If I was trying to get rid of my obsession with Sean, those would be the things that I’d think to combat the urge to daydream about him. I actually wrote in my journal weeks ago that I was done with him. I claimed that I was letting him go and moving on.
But that hasn’t actually happened. I don’t want to be done with Sean, I don’t want to let him go, and I don’t want to move on. I’ve put too much time into our fantasy relationship. And unfortunately, I’m being both facetious and serious.
Saying Goodbye to the Sean Saga
Perhaps you feel like you’ve been reading “The Sean Saga” in many of my recent posts. But after five-ish years of crushing on Sean (yes, for real) and not receiving any sign of mutual liking, I had had enough. At least I said that I had had enough.
I claimed that my obsession with him was over. I said that he was simply too immature for the kind of relationship that I wanted. I told myself that I didn’t want him anymore. But inside, I still wanted him very, very much.
Sean was like the item on my wish list that I kept asking for year after year. I realized that I’d never get the item and that the item wouldn’t actually make me content. But I still wanted the item, so I kept putting it on my wish list. Why did I want him so badly?
A Fuller Life
I hope that he does something really awful so that I can stop thinking about him. I hope that he starts dating someone else so that I lose hope that I’ll be his someday. I hope that he gets a job somewhere else so that I can forget about him.
Unfortunately, my resolve not to crush on Sean—and my “hopes” that our circumstances would change—didn’t make me stop wanting him. He didn’t do anything repulsive, start dating anyone, or move away for another job. So what would make me stop obsessing about a fantasy?
Delight yourself in the Lord; and He will give you the desires of your heart. (Psalm 37:4 NASB)
As my counselor has told me during my eating disorder recovery, my world must expand in order for me to get better. She has said that I have to take advantage of more opportunities and fill my life with things besides anorexia so that my anorexia will seem smaller. Similarly, my life has to become bigger—or fuller—so that my obsession with Sean will feel smaller.
So by including Psalm 37:4 in this post, I’m not trying to say that Sean will ask me out if I delight myself in God. Rather, I’m saying that we simply need to delight ourselves in God. He knows exactly what we need to give us purpose and fulfillment in life.
What We’re Missing out On
Yes, it’s completely normal to have hopes and dreams. But these hopes and dreams often occupy our time and energy, whether it’s five minutes a day or five hours a day. We can’t let them control our lives.
For example, it’s not necessarily a sin to chase after your dream job, hope for a child, or consider changing ministry roles. But do you focus on your dream job more than your current job? Do you prioritize having a child of your own more than you prioritize the family members you already have? Do you think about having a new ministry role more than you think about your current ministry role?
If you focus more about what could be than about what is, it’s time to fill your life with the Lord and the opportunities that He has given you for the present.
I’m going to be transparent with you: I don’t want to stop liking Sean. He’s a great looking guy with a great personality, and he’s really fun to think about. But I can fill my life with other things besides fantasies of him and being with him. He doesn’t have to be my everything—and he shouldn’t be.
Fantasies aren’t realities for a reason. It’s fun to dream about the future, but our dreams aren’t realities right now. By delighting ourselves in the Lord, our lives become filled with Him and His gifts for today. Don’t miss the opportunity to delight yourself in Him by dreaming about tomorrow.
*Name has been changed.
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