Cynicism has so many synonyms—from pessimism to suspicion to scorn—but for the moment, let’s consider its antonym: naïveté. It’s so common for people to have naïveté about things they’ve never experienced. For example, before yours truly went on her first date, she had a decent amount of naïveté about dating. She thought dating would be relatively easy (and fun), but it turned out to be the opposite. Cue the cynicism.
Honestly, I’m not saying cynicism is a bad thing. I actually advocate it to some degree because biblical principles like wisdom often accompany it. However, I realize cynicism can result in callousness, so I want to keep that in mind in this post. Here are a couple ways to take a cautious—but not cold—approach to romantic relationships:
1. Pay attention to patterns.
Looking back, I didn’t take nearly enough time to observe James* before I agreed to go out with him. I met him at an event for Christian singles, so I assumed he was a Christian. I only talked to him briefly at the event, but he seemed like a nice, normal guy. Before he asked for my number, I had the chance to spend a few hours with him in group settings. Though I noticed a couple potential issues, I didn’t realize how many issues he had—or how big his issues were—until the relationship ended.
Instead of assuming the best—or the worst—about the guy you like, spend some time with him in group settings (ideally more than a few hours, ahem) so you can observe how he acts around others. It’s important to know how he treats people before you develop a romantic relationship with him. Is he honest, humble, kind, patient, and respectful? Or is he the opposite? No one is perfect, but people do have patterns. Pay attention to whether he has good ones or bad ones.
2. Look for follow-through.
Truth be told, James didn’t say many sweet things to me. However, when the words “I become more and more fond of you each time we meet up” escaped from his lips on our third date, I was taken aback because a guy had never told me anything like it. But before I could even process what he said, he added, “I’m taking a casual approach to this.” I was equally taken aback when those words came out of his mouth—and when he ghosted me after our date. So much for fondness.
I share this story to encourage you not to simply believe everything the guy you like tells you. Instead, see if his actions line up with his words. He can easily say he likes you or thinks you’re pretty or enjoys spending time with you. But if how he treats you doesn’t match what he says to you, that’s a major red flag. Him claiming to admire you isn’t the same as him actually admiring you. Actions don’t always speak louder than words, but they often do.
Final Thoughts
Let all bitterness and wrath and anger and clamor and slander be put away from you, along with all malice. (Ephesians 4:31 NASB1995)
Before I conclude this post, I want to address the “without becoming cynical” part of the title. Frankly, it’s easy to be cynical in (and about) romantic relationships—especially if you’ve been in one that ended badly, as yours truly has. While I don’t believe cynicism is a sin, I do believe it can lead to sin, such as bitterness, anger, and malice. Just as it’s important to guard your heart by paying attention to patterns and looking for follow-through, it’s important to guard your soul against sin. Both are precious to God.
*Names have been changed.
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