I don’t know if I’ve ever felt so exhausted in my entire life. I can’t quite put my finger on it, but I know it’s not strictly physical, emotional, mental, or spiritual exhaustion. It’s more like all of those things. I can’t seem to get on top of my life.
I wrote this poem during a very difficult year. I was finishing my sophomore year of college, and I was struggling to accept my body. Like really struggling. I was considered "recovered" from my anorexia nervosa, but I still absolutely abhorred my body. I wallowed in my self-hatred day after day. Halfheartedly praying for acceptance and motivation, I felt utterly defeated by the devil and his weapons of deception. But God didn't leave me in my moment of need. He stayed.
Oh, to be at peace with wherever God has placed us right now. Oh, to feel full of life, rather than full of resentment. Oh, to know that this season is not accidental or meaningless. What if I told you that you can?
I know how icky our emotions can seem at Christmastime. They bubble up and bubble over, and we panic. We don’t know what to do with these uncomfortable feelings, so we do anything and everything to not think about them. To brush them to the back of our minds. To forget they exist. And that seems to sort of work. At least temporarily. Until we are completely and utterly alone.
I'm afraid that if I loosen my grip on Maddy, she'll become less close with me and become closer to her other friends. Ultimately, if I don't grasp the reigns of our relationship, I'm scared it will become shallow...and perhaps even nonexistent. I'm not saying that I'm going to let go of my relationship with Maddy. But grasping this relationship so tightly is making me exhausted. So who should I grasp instead?
I hope this post won’t sound like a lecture. Rather, I hope it will give you the encouragement you need to start the new year with peace. Because you don’t need to start 2020 feeling discouraged, hopeless, or ashamed.
I definitely don’t have a problem with being hopeful for the future. Rather, I have a problem with being patient in the present. But the present is where we are.
It’s not sinful for you to feel un-Christmassy. It’s okay if you believe you’ve lost your Christmas spirit. You can’t force yourself to feel a certain way, but you can force yourself to focus on the truth about Christmas. And if you’ve lost your Christmas spirit, maybe you’ve been looking for it in the wrong place
It really doesn’t make sense that we worry about Christmas. After all, the angel told Joseph, Mary, and the shepherds not to be afraid (Matthew 1:20; Luke 1:30, Luke 2:10). Christmas only becomes fear-full when we begin to focus on ourselves and what we can get out of it. Can you relate to any of the 3 greatest fears we have about Christmas?