Friends, I know from personal experience that singleness isn’t easy. It’s nobody’s fault that you’re un-dated, un-engaged, or un-married. But patience isn’t becoming easier. Instead, feelings of loneliness, disappointment, curiosity, and fear are becoming easier. What’s a girl to do with these unpleasant emotions?
1. Loneliness
How it shows up in our thoughts: Well, there goes another friend down the aisle. That makes the count married friends-15, single friends-5. She looked so beautiful in her wedding dress, and his eyes lit up when he saw her. When will I know what it feels like to be loved like that—to be so wanted by a guy that he’s willing to commit to me for his entire life?
How it can be managed effectively: Believe it or not, singleness doesn’t have to result in loneliness, right? Yes, loneliness is a normal emotion to have, but you don’t have to maintain an attitude of self-pity. Instead, make connections with other believers at church, work, and school. Find purpose in your relationships with family members and friends. Take advantage of ministry and personal growth opportunities.
Behold, what I have seen to be good and fitting is to eat and drink and find enjoyment in all the toil with which one toils under the sun the few days of his life that God has given him, for this is his lot. (Ecclesiastes 5:18 ESV)
2. Disappointment
How it shows up in our thoughts: Adulthood wasn’t supposed to be like this. I wasn’t supposed to still be single. I was at least supposed to be dating, if not engaged, if not married by now. Weren’t the guys in my first college class supposed to fall at my feet when I walked in the room? Wasn’t I supposed to have had at least three offers of marriage by the age of 21? Where are all the eligible bachelors? And why haven’t any of them found me?
How it can be managed effectively: Maybe you used to have very high expectations about love and romance. You didn’t think singleness would still be part of your life at this point, but it is. It’s not too late to change your expectations though. Spend some time evaluating what you anticipate for singleness and marriage (and how you can balance between being hopeful and being realistic).
Now hope not disappoint, because the love of God has been poured out in our hearts by the Holy Spirit who was given to us. (Romans 5:5 NKJV)
3. Curiosity
How it shows up in our thoughts: What will it be like to have a real boyfriend? Where will I meet him? What will it be like when he says “I love you” for the first time? How will it feel to hold hands with him? How will our first kiss happen? What will it be like to have sex when we get married?
How it can be managed effectively: There’s nothing wrong with thinking about dating, engagement, and marriage. But curiosity can quickly turn into lust, which is a sin. I get that having a high sex drive as a single girl is hard, but what you think about in this season genuinely matters. Keep your thoughts in check and ask the Holy Spirit for help. Sexually immoral thoughts can quickly turn into sexually immoral words and actions.
But sexual immorality and all impurity or covetousness must not even be named among you, as is proper among saints. (Ephesians 5:3 ESV)
4. Fear
How it shows up in our thoughts: What if I don’t have a real relationship with a guy until I’m 30? And what if I don’t get married until I’m 40? By then, it’ll be too late for me to have children of my own. What if all of my friends get married and have kids before I do? What if I’m the last single person in my family and in my church and in my workplace?
How it can be managed effectively: Honestly, even though fear can be an emotion, it’s also a choice. But you don’t need to make the choice to fear because God orchestrates everything that happens in your life. In addition, if God designed you for marriage (which is how He has designed almost everyone), He’ll provide a husband for you at the right time—not a second early or late. Remember that when you’re tempted to fear the future.
The man gave names to all the livestock, and to the birds of the sky, and to every animal of the field, but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for him. So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. And the Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. Then the man said, “At last this is bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called ‘woman,’ because she was taken out of man.” For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked, but they were not ashamed. (Genesis 2:20-25 NASB)
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