Today’s post—written by Shelby Abbott—is about the internal struggle of singles to find peace in the present. I did an interview with Shelby last year (which you can watch here if you missed it!) and got to learn about his journey of being single and stepping into ministry. Though this post focuses on singleness, it genuinely applies to all seasons of life. Enjoy, friends!
Clouded Vision
We’ve all got scars. Whether we were called mean names as children or we were betrayed by close friends as adults, we’ve all been hurt in some form or fashion. The damage to our hearts can last for a long time. And if that damage happens to be in the area of romance, the scars can last for twice as long and even cause us to view singleness the wrong way.
If we view singleness as something we experience because we’re seriously flawed or because we’re being punished for failing in prior relationships, we’re not viewing it the right way. For many years, I believed I was single because I wasn’t good enough. I believed that singleness was a problem I needed to solve and that being single meant being half a person who couldn’t fully live without the other half of me who was out there somewhere.
As I approached my mid-twenties, all my friends were getting married and starting to have kids. People began to pity me, so they kept trying to connect me with girls they thought I’d like.
I couldn’t help but think, “Is being single really that bad? Why is everyone treating me like I have a disease that needs to be cured?” I realized I was believing lies about myself—and about singleness. With this thought came a new paradigm for me to consider.
A New Vision
I’d been treating singleness like a barrier that was preventing me from thriving as a person when in reality, singleness could actually be a great opportunity. I’d been thinking I needed a wife in order to be whole, but the truth was Jesus had already made me whole by coming into my life and saving me from my sin (Romans 7:24-25).
A friend once told me, “The most fully human and complete Person to ever live was single. Marriage is not ultimate. Jesus is ultimate.”
And my friend was right. For so long, I sincerely believed I was like a human puzzle with a piece missing. I thought that if I found a wife, my puzzle would be complete. My life would finally be joyful, beautiful, and fulfilling.
But where does Scripture say a spouse will do all those things? The Bible does describe marriage as a good thing, but that good thing was never meant to be the ultimate thing. The only relationship that can satisfy our deep desire for true connection is a relationship with Jesus. I had Him in my life already, and I was neglecting Him as I searched for a wife.
I think many single Christians have the same problem I had because they’re searching for the same thing I was. My life changed when I realized no one—not even a wonderful wife—would ever be able to love me the way God already did. It took me way too long to realize that, but once I finally did, I began to experience freedom in my singleness.
But as for me, how good it is to be near God! I have made the Sovereign Lord my shelter… (Psalm 73:28 NLT)
Shelby Abbott is an author, radio/podcast host (Real Life Loading…), campus minister, and conference speaker on staff with FamilyLife, a ministry of Cru. His passion for university students has led him to speak at college campuses all over the United States and author the books Pressure Points: A Guide to Navigating Student Stress, DoubtLess: Because Faith is Hard, I Am a Tool (To Help With Your Dating Life), and What’s the Point?: Asking the Right Questions about Living Together and Marriage. Shelby has one dog, a sizable sneaker collection, and a rather impressive vinyl LP record compilation. He and his family live just outside of Philadelphia, Pennsylvania. Instagram/Twitter: @shelbyabbott
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