For over two years, Ed (my eating disorder) was basically my boyfriend. Even though he was very controlling, I tried hard to please him. After all, he promised to make me skinny if I did everything he told me to do—and I desperately wanted to be skinny.
So I counted calories obsessively. I refused to eat even when I was starving. I paid very close attention to my weight. I worked out every single day. I avoided dessert like the plague. I lied to my parents…and my sisters…and everyone else.
Ed was never satisfied with my efforts though. He demanded more from me. He told me I still wasn’t skinny. He continued to control me because I let him. I should’ve broken up with him sooner than I did. But love is blind, right?
Finally Unstuck
It took me several years to release my relationship with Ed. My stubborn heart simply wasn’t ready to let him go. Even when I eventually let him go physically by regaining the weight I’d lost, I refused to let him go mentally, emotionally, and spiritually. I was afraid of what would happen if I really, truly broke up with him.
So I didn’t. I stayed put. I kept him close. And then I wondered why I wasn’t making progress in my recovery.
I learned the very hard way that if I wanted to recover mentally, emotionally, and spiritually, I would have to admit that Ed wanted to harm me instead of help me and that he didn’t keep his promises to me. I would have to stand firm on truths that didn’t feel real but were real. I would have to ignore his voice when he beckoned me to come back to him.
Without God’s strength, I wouldn’t have been able to do any of those things. But in His timing and in His way, I did. I moved forward. I made progress. I saw fruit.
No matter where you’re at in the recovery process, I want you to know you can move forward. You can make progress. You can see fruit. But if you’re not ready to let Ed go, you can’t.
A Fruitful Recovery
O Ephraim, what have I to do with idols? It is I who answer and look after you. I am like an evergreen cypress; from me comes your fruit. (Hosea 14:8 ESV)
The Book of Hosea—specifically the second chapter—comforted me as I recovered from anorexia. I even included a portion of it in my book Real Recovery: What Eating Disorder Recovery Actually Looks Like. Hosea did write the words above, but they’re from God to Ephraim (Israel). I’m sure the Israelites thought their idols would give them success, but the Lord reminds them that He alone answers their prayers, cares for them, and produces fruit in their lives.
Several years ago, for KING & COUNTRY released a song called “Burn the Ships” that speaks to this in a very compelling way. If you’ve never heard it, I recommend you check it out. Let the lyrics sink in (no pun intended) as you consider what steps to take next in your recovery journey. If you want to release the shame and sorrow you carry, you’ll need to release your relationship with Ed too. It’s time to burn the ships, friends.
Tizzie's Tidbits of Truth 