I’ve seen it more times than I can count—the girl who decides to take matters into her own hands when she loves a guy who’s ambivalent toward her or even uninterested in her. She makes excuses for his lack of initiation, claiming he’s just too nervous or too shy to take the lead. So she takes the lead instead. She seeks him out, talks to him, flirts with him, texts him, and asks him out. But deep down, it’s unsatisfying because she wants what every girl wants—to be chased.
The Un-Fairytale
Maybe you were this girl once upon a time.
There was a guy you fell head-over-heels for. It was love at first sight—at least on your end—so you chased him. You made the first move because he didn’t seem ready to initiate a relationship with you. You approached him, mentioned hanging out in the future, and waited to see if he reciprocated your interest. When he didn’t, you reached out to him and suggested a specific day, time, and place. He agreed. You met him for dinner, led the conversation, listened to his stories, complimented him, and paid for the meal.
This became the norm for your relationship. At times, he seemed to like you. But you didn’t just like him; you loved him. You desperately wanted to be loved in return. You continued to pursue him, and he continued to let you pursue him. You dated him for months, hoping and praying he would begin to love you, but it never happened. Eventually, you couldn’t handle the dysfunction any longer, so you ended the relationship. He didn’t even seem upset about it. You, on the other hand, were devastated.
So much for happily ever after.
A Half-Hearted Pursuit
During the short time James* and I dated, he chased me—to some extent.
He made the first move. He asked for my number. He asked me out all three times. He told me he was becoming fond of me. All of that felt great. I loved being chased.
But in some ways, in certain moments, he pulled back—like when he only paid for his coffee on our first date or when he had to squeeze me into his schedule for our second date or when I had to be the one to bring up subjects like testimonies and political parties on our third date. I wanted him to chase me—consistently—but I suppose it was harder than he expected. Right after he ghosted me, he started dating a girl who had been chasing him for weeks. I shouldn’t have been surprised.
One of the many lessons I learned from my experience with James was that I didn’t want my future husband to pursue me half-heartedly; I wanted him to pursue me like Christ pursued the Church.
A Sacrificial Pursuit
Husbands, love your wives, just as Christ also loved the church and gave Himself up for her, so that He might sanctify her, having cleansed her by the washing of water with the word, that He might present to Himself the church in all her glory, having no spot or wrinkle or any such thing; but that she would be holy and blameless. So husbands ought also to love their own wives as their own bodies. He who loves his own wife loves himself; for no one ever hated his own flesh, but nourishes and cherishes it, just as Christ also does the church, because we are members of His body. For this reason a man shall leave his father and mother and shall be joined to his wife, and the two shall become one flesh. This mystery is great; but I am speaking with reference to Christ and the church. Nevertheless, each individual among you also is to love his own wife even as himself, and the wife must see to it that she respects her husband. (Ephesians 5:25-33 NASB1995)
Honestly, a relationship where the guy isn’t willing to pursue the girl is a poor representation of what marriage is supposed to represent: how Christ (the groom) loves the Church (His bride). This truth is foundational to our faith. Christ’s devoted pursuit of His bride—while His bride was the most unlovable—is the reason we can be saved. When we settle for guys who don’t love us like Christ does, we’re missing out on the opportunity to see the beauty of His relationship with us as the Church.
I personally believe that in a romantic relationship, the guy needs to pursue the girl, and the girl needs to let the guy pursue her. I understand how hard it is to be patient and allow the guy to take the lead. But even though James wasn’t the right guy for me, I genuinely don’t regret letting him chase me. You won’t regret your decision to be chased either.
*Name has been changed.
Tizzie's Tidbits of Truth 