Where God's Word Meets Our Mess
From movie reviews to poems to personal reflections, I started writing blog posts to encourage people in their relationships with God. Eventually, I began focusing specifically on reaching young women by sharing my struggles and relevant Bible verses. All along, I’ve wanted to bring readers to the place where God's Word meets their messes—as His Word always meets mine.
So in response to my Bible reading and my increasing weariness in the post-release season of Real Recovery, I wrote the following angry words in prayer: Dear God, as You know, it’s really frustrating to know that You can do BEYOND ALL THAT I ASK OR THINK yet You’ve done so much less than I asked or thought.
I'm the girl who's sat in a noisy coffee shop as she's plunked the keys on her keyboard, stared at the couples surrounding her, and lost the motivation she thought she had. I'm the girl who's reached out to multiple literary agents and been rejected or ignored by all of them. I'm the girl who's made approximately $60 as an unknown writer for a single Christian magazine. In short, I'm the girl who wanted to be an author but isn't an author.
Others have done what I want to do—become a traditionally published young author of a nonfiction Christian book. Honestly, I envy them. I want their success. But for now, I’m an almost-graduated college student without a published book. And those authors are living my dream.
But as I visit church after church and feel like I don’t quite fit, I sigh. As I notice Sean walk past me without acknowledging me, I sigh. As I struggle to find a job that sounds enjoyable, I sigh. I’m just glad that God hears me when I do.
May is approaching so quickly, isn’t it? The day when you wear your cap and gown, reach for your diploma, and finally enter adulthood will indeed be bittersweet. Everyone tells you that college is the best time of your life and that post-college will be the worst time of your life. Perhaps the best time of your life will officially be over in approximately three months. So you panic.
But one thing hasn’t changed in five years: I still want to be a writer. And honestly, there's enormous hidden pressure on me to get a book deal, see my name on the front cover, and be famous. This pressure doesn’t come from my parents, sisters, or friends. It comes from my Try-Harder Self—and she’s the dogmatic, degrading, and demanding type.
But that hasn’t actually happened. I don’t want to be done with Sean, I don’t want to let him go, and I don’t want to move on. I’ve put too much time into our fantasy relationship. And unfortunately, I'm being both facetious and serious.
I wouldn’t say that I've “arrived.” I don’t have thousands of blog followers—not even close. I haven’t been published on lots of “big” Christian websites like Christianity Today or Desiring God. I don’t have a book proposal ready (or even started, ahem). But I’m here—and "here" is a good place to be because this is where God has brought me. He's the One who helped me say “yes” to this journey.
Tizzie's Tidbits of Truth 