To the Girl Who’s Never Had a “Real” Relationship

Dear single friend,

Before I started writing this post, I promised I wouldn’t give you easy answers to the question “Why have I never had a ‘real’ relationship?” Personally, it’s hard to take the well-meaning but cliché articles, blog posts, and books that tell me Jesus is all I need and I’m only lonely because I haven’t found my satisfaction in Him. Those aren’t the answers I’m looking for when I’m upset…even if those answers are true.

This post isn’t about easy answers and cliché concepts. It’s about being real and diving deep into our hearts. No wearing the plastic smiles. No hiding behind the masks. No slapping Band-Aids on our pain.

Because I know how you feel.

I Get You

I’m 21 years old, and no one has ever asked me out. Writing that sentence makes my skin crawl and my heart break…just a little.  Whether you’ve never had a real boyfriend or you’ve never been asked out on a date, I understand what you’re going through.

  • You watch all the happy couples on the screen and in real life…and you often sigh heavily because you feel like you’re missing out on something amazing.
  • You long for the day when you can be physically intimate with your husband…but then you remember that no guy has dared pursue you to let you know he wants the same thing with you.
  • You listen to sappy love songs on the radio in hopes that you’ll somehow feel like you’re dating…yet you continue to feel utterly lonely and un-datable.
  • You stare at yourself in the mirror and analyze every body part…and you wonder if your body is the reason no guy has expressed a serious interest in you.
  • You start to believe you will never have a “real” relationship with a guy…so you turn to your girlfriends for love and attention instead.
  • You sing worship songs in church and sit quietly during the sermon…but all you can think about is the perfect young married pair in front of you.
  • Your heart does summersaults as you watch Jane Austen movies, like Pride and Prejudice or Sense and Sensibility…until you remember no one has pursued you like the men pursued the women in those movies.
  • You secretly pray every single night that you’ll get married before your best friend does…although you’re not sure your prayers will be answered with a “yes.”

This is the life of a woman who’s never had a “real” relationship. No steady boyfriend…or perhaps no boyfriend at all…or perhaps no dates at all. Did it hurt to read those sentences above? It hurt me, but I don’t want it to hurt you.

Because. You. Are. Not. The. Only. One. Who. Feels. Like. This.

Despite our attempts to represent ourselves otherwise, most of the single women in your life are itching to be dating, engaged, and married. They may not say it because they’re afraid of sounding unspiritual or unsatisfied. Or they may even be content-ish with their current single situation.

So God created man in His own image; in the image of God He created him; male and female He created them. Then God blessed them, and God said to them, “Be fruitful and multiply; fill the earth and subdue it; have dominion over the fish of the sea, over the birds of the air, and over every living thing that moves on the earth.” (Genesis 1:27-28 NKJV)

Maybe you expected me to include a verse about contentment in this post. And I definitely believe we should be content in Christ! But, if you’re anything like me, a verse like that within the discussion of singleness would be difficult to read.

Instead, I want you to know that you’re normal. You’re not the only one who’s never had a “real” relationship. There are other girls out there just like you—and I’m one of them.

Your God-given purpose is to have children…who are formed through sex…which should occur in the context of marriage…which is the goal of dating. So it makes sense that you crave your first date and your first boyfriend and your first hand-hold and your first kiss and your first (and hopefully only) wedding day and your first time having sex.

My single friend, if you’ve never had a “real” relationship, it’s okay. It’s likely you will someday. And until then, you can stop hiding your true feelings and desires. As long as Christ is your First Love, you don’t have to be ashamed of wanting a husband or a boyfriend. 


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