Am I Wanted?

“Show me I’m wanted.”

I wrote that on my wrist in red pen ink yesterday. I thought about it as I did homework and texted friends and worked out. I wrote it in my prayer journal this morning.

I wasn’t feeling a boy’s affection and I wasn’t feeling Jesus. So I asked God to show me that I am wanted. And I don’t think I’m the only woman who’s ever asked Him to do that…

Stuck in My Self-Pity

As my friends sort through their romantic relationships—whether married, engaged, dating, or almost-dating—I sort through my feelings of emptiness, loneliness, and despair. I cling to my unwantedness like a beloved toy. It feels wrong to cling so tightly to such an ugly feeling, but I can’t seem to let it go. I simply want to know this: Am I wanted?    

And these are the thoughts that run through my mind as I sort out how I feel: Why is there such a lack here, God? Why can’t I have one boyfriend—just one? I don’t need to get married. In fact, I don’t want to get married right now. I just want to be wanted. I want a guy—any guy—to come up to me and say, “Hey, I want you. I don’t want your friend Paige or your friend Samantha or your friend Taylor. I. Want. You.”

And this is the thought that God brings to mind as I continue to wallow in self-pity: “I have better things for you than a boyfriend.”

What “Better Things” Means

In this phase of feeling unwanted by every guy I’ve ever met, I simply have to trust that God means it. I have to trust that His “better things” really are better than a boyfriend. I want His “better things” to mean earthly success and fame. But what if His “better things” are even better?

This ache in my soul—the ache that asks, “Am I wanted?”—may never completely go away on this sin-shattered earth. Because I know I’m already wanted. You know you’re already wanted. And yet that knowledge isn’t enough for us.

Maybe you want a better boyfriend, a better fiancé, or a better husband. Maybe you want a better devotional, a better worship mentality, or a better prayer life. Maybe you want a better family, a better ground of friends, or a better church. Then you’ll feel wanted, right?

Or what if living on this sin-shattered earth means we will never fully feel wanted? What if heaven is the only place where all of God’s children will feel fully wanted?

I will punish her for the days of the Baals to which she burned incense. She decked herself with her earrings and jewelry, and went after her lovers; but Me she forgot,” says the Lord. “Therefore, behold, I will allure her, will bring her into the wilderness, and speak comfort to her. I will give her her vineyards from there, and the Valley of Achor as a door of hope; she shall sing there, as in the days of her youth, as in the day when she came up from the land of Egypt. “And it shall be, in that day,” says the Lord, “That you will call Me ‘My Husband,’ and no longer call Me ‘My Master,’ for I will take from her mouth the names of the Baals, and they shall be remembered by their name no more. In that day I will make a covenant for them with the beasts of the field, with the birds of the air, and with the creeping things of the ground. Bow and sword of battle I will shatter from the earth, to make them lie down safely. “I will betroth you to Me forever; yes, I will betroth you to Me in righteousness and justice, in lovingkindness and mercy; I will betroth you to Me in faithfulness, and you shall know the Lord. “It shall come to pass in that day that I will answer,” says the Lord; “I will answer the heavens, and they shall answer the earth. The earth shall answer with grain, with new wine, and with oil; they shall answer Jezreel. Then I will sow her for Myself in the earth, and I will have mercy on her who had not obtained mercy; then I will say to those who were not My people, ‘You are My people!’ And they shall say, ‘You are my God!’” (Hosea 2:13-23 NKJV)

Even if we don’t physically chase guys, we often chase them in our souls. We go to the altar of Unwanted and offer a sacrifice—whether it is our bodies, hearts, or minds—so that a guy will finally want us. And we forget the One who designed us for so much more. 

Today, I do feel lonely and sad and even unwanted. But in eternity, I will forget what those words even mean. Every guy I ever idolized will be forgotten because I will be His forever.