To the Single Girl with a Lust Problem

There he was—my dream come true.

Not long ago, I saw Divergent for the first time. I instantly fell in love with the exciting plot, Tris’ great courage, and Four’s breathtaking charm. Especially Four’s breathtaking charm. The romantic relationship between Tris and Four was beautiful, but it was almost too beautiful. After I watched it, I daydreamed about Four—his smile, his hair, his abs. And I wanted them for myself.

I started thinking about Four and Tris together…holding each other tightly…kissing passionately…with Four shirtless. And I started to imagine myself in Tris’ place…with Four and I holding each other tightly…kissing passionately…and Four shirtless.

Is This Even a Thing?

Lust is just supposed to be a guy sin, right? Well, that’s what all the Christian dating books seem to say. I thought that girls were supposed to wear modest clothing so that they wouldn’t cause their brothers in Christ to stumble. And “stumble” = “lust,” doesn’t it?

If you hear enough youth group messages and read enough Christian books for teens, you’ll probably conclude that lust is a guy sin and immodesty is a girl sin. But I happen to think that lust is a girl sin, too. Because I’ve done it.

Obviously, I’m not a guy and thus don’t fully understand how guys are wired and what their struggles with sexual sin are like. But even as a young woman, I know what it’s like for my thoughts to race in the wrong direction. I know what it’s like to stimulate my body for intimacy while I’m all alone. So, no, lust isn’t just a guy sin.

You’re Not Alone

I’m going to let you in on a little secret: Lust isn’t a new sin in my life. When I was younger, I imagined what sex would be like. And as I got older and remained single, I kept giving into the sexual fantasies and gooey daydreams. Lust is something that I still struggle with.

So if you struggle with lust as well, know that I understand how you feel. You don’t have a guy—no husband, fiancé, boyfriend, or prospects—so you choose (what you claim is) the second-best alternative: lust. Since you lack a romantic relationship, you create one in your mind. With all the kissing, touching, and sex that you could ever want.

That’s why I don’t think that lust is just a guy problem.

While I do believe that women are called to be modest (both in their hearts and in their clothing choices), I also believe that a shift needs to take place in Christian culture—a shift away from the idea that lust is a guys-only sin. Because if we treat lust like a guys-only sin, then girls will either (1) not feel convicted when they lust or (2) feel alone when they struggle with lust. Neither of those things is okay.

Of course, I understand that not every young woman struggles with lust. But if you’re one of the young women who does, I want you to know that you’re not alone. Don’t believe the lie that you’re somehow “abnormal” for struggling with lust—because honestly, finding freedom will be very challenging if your core beliefs are based on lies.

The Best Alternative

While I don’t want you to feel alone in your struggle with lust, I also want you to realize how serious a lust problem is. Not only is it a sin against God, but it can also produce unrealistic expectations for your future husband.

Let’s use my personal story with Divergent as an example. What if my future husband doesn’t hold me as tightly as Four held Tris? What if my future husband doesn’t kiss me as passionately as Four kissed Tris? What if my future husband doesn’t look as perfect as Four did without his shirt?

As Bethany Beal wrote in a post on Girl Defined, it’s so easy to come up with elaborate scenarios about how we expect Prince Charming to kiss us for the first time or what we expect the wedding night to be like. But those scenarios and expectations put a lot of unnecessary pressure on ourselves and on our future husbands. Spoiler alert: When two imperfect people get married, they can’t have perfect sex.

Every day, we’re confronted with choices that will help us fight lust or give into it. It’s time to get rid of the things that cause you to lust. The lingering, obsessing, and fantasizing aren’t healthy or God-honoring habits. 

For this is the will of God, your sanctification: that you abstain from sexual immorality; that each one of you know how to control his own body in holiness and honor, not in the passion of lust like the Gentiles who do not know God; that no one transgress and wrong his brother in this matter, because the Lord is an avenger in all these things, as we told you beforehand and solemnly warned you. For God has not called us for impurity, but in holiness. (1 Thessalonians 4:3-7 ESV)

Friends, I’m letting you know from personal experience that lust is indeed a girl problem. But God has better things for you than imagining great sex. As you navigate the single life, remember that your sanctification is better than your greatest sexual fantasies.