Are Friendship and Marriage Essentially the Same? (Part 1)

Several weeks ago, I listened to a podcast episode during which a pastor discussed a sermon he’d preached about true love. Ultimately, it seemed like he viewed marriage and friendship as equivalent. He treated them as substitutes—as if there are no major differences between them. But I was frustrated with his message because there are major differences between friendship and marriage, and honestly, that frustration fueled this post.

But Why Wasn’t Friendship Sufficient for Him?

I really wish I could’ve asked this podcast guest a few questions, including the following: “If friendship is such a great substitute for marriage, why did you get married? Why weren’t your friendships sufficient? Why couldn’t your friends fulfill the deepest longings of your heart?”

Ironically, statements like “friendship is a solid substitute for marriage” are usually made by married people. They’re also (sometimes) made by misguided people who don’t truly understand God’s design for marriage. Based on Genesis 2:18-25, a marriage is a marriage; it’s not interchangeable with friendship. This truth might be hard to swallow, especially if you’re single and desire to be married but aren’t yet. Trust me—it’s hard for me to swallow at times.

But I realize that even though I’m not married yet, there’s nothing wrong with looking forward to marriage. I can think, dream, and pray about it. (And I do!) I invite you to do the same. You can trust God’s plan for your love story—and it’s okay to be excited about what’s next as His plan unfolds.

But Why Not Settle for Friendship While I Wait for Marriage?

A key part of trusting God’s plan for your love story is recognizing—and avoiding—the relationships that can’t take the place of marriage.

Let me explain what I mean by sharing a story from college. During my junior and senior years, I tried to do the friend-instead-of-husband thing. There was a girl I quickly latched on to because she seemed kind, funny, genuine, thoughtful, and relatable. She spurred me on in my relationship with God. She shared very personal things with me and asked very personal things about me. She sent me sweet text messages. She spent time a lot of time with me. (Coincidentally, these are all characteristics I wanted—and still want—my future husband to have. Ahem.)

Long story short, my relationship with her failed epically because at my core, I didn’t want a friend; I wanted a husband. I pretended that it was no big deal for me to devote myself to her—and to expect her to devote herself to me. After all, that’s what gal pals do, right?

Well, my gal pal broke my heart—and I didn’t really have anyone to blame but myself. It’s true that she didn’t treat me very well, but it’s also true that I treated her too well because I treated her like a husband. And I learned the hard way that friendship is not a legitimate substitute for marriage.

But What if I’m Destined for Lifelong Singleness?

Before I conclude this post, I want to address a question you might have about friendship and marriage: Can the people whom God ordains to be single for life have marriage-esque friendships since they’ll never actually experience marriage?

Honestly, I think a very small number of people in the world are destined to remain single for their entire lives. But even for that very small number of people, I stand by what I said earlier—that friendship and marriage aren’t interchangeable. I believe that’s a biblical principle that applies to everyone regardless of current or future relationship status. However, I do want to add that actively participating in a church and fellowshipping with other believers is also a biblical principle that applies to everyone regardless of relationship status.

So being part of a Christian community, having meaningful friendships, and connecting with others are all good things. They simply aren’t substitutes for marriage. Next week, I’ll share why. Feel free to go ahead and read the passage we’ll be focusing on!

Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him. Out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the sky, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the man called a living creature, that was its name. The man gave names to all the cattle, and to the birds of the sky, and to every beast of the field, but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for him. So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. The Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. (Genesis 2:18-25 NASB1995)