In Part 1, I introduced the idea that friendship and marriage aren’t equivalent, despite what many people in the secular culture (and sadly, the Christian culture) believe and communicate. Remember my failed attempt at treating a friendship like a marriage? Well, this week I’m going to explain why this friendship failed epically—and what sets marriage apart from friendship, based on what God’s Word says.
There are so many things God designed a man and woman to experience and enjoy in marriage, but this post just focuses on three of them. I do want to note that the unique characteristics of marriage included below are based on God’s intent for marriage. I realize some marriages are very challenging, dysfunctional, and/or brief. However, imperfect marriages exist because of the Fall, not because of a flaw in God’s design. With that in mind, let’s examine three major distinctions between marriage and friendship:
1. Marriage (not Friendship) Represents Christ’s Relationship with the Church
Then the Lord God said, “It is not good for the man to be alone; I will make him a helper suitable for him. Out of the ground the Lord God formed every beast of the field and every bird of the sky, and brought them to the man to see what he would call them; and whatever the man called a living creature, that was its name. The man gave names to all the cattle, and to the birds of the sky, and to every beast of the field, but for Adam there was not found a helper suitable for him. So the Lord God caused a deep sleep to fall upon the man, and he slept; then He took one of his ribs and closed up the flesh at that place. The Lord God fashioned into a woman the rib which He had taken from the man, and brought her to the man. The man said, “This is now bone of my bones, and flesh of my flesh; she shall be called Woman, because she was taken out of Man.” (Genesis 2:18-23 NASB1995)
This passage isn’t the only place in the Bible where we see clearly defined roles for the husband and the wife, but this is the passage that tells the origin story of these roles. In the beginning, God didn’t create friendship; He created marriage. He established the role of the husband and the role of the wife.
However, I haven’t seen clearly defined roles for friends in Scripture. Yes, friendships should be characterized by selflessness, kindness, compassion, etc.—but so should all relationships. In Paul’s letter to the Ephesians, he didn’t say friendship is a symbol of Christ’s relationship with the Church; he said marriage is (Ephesians 5:22-33). Husbands (who represent Christ) are commanded to love their wives, and wives (who represent the Church) are commanded to submit to their husbands. Friends don’t have the leader/helper roles that a husband and wife have.
2. Marriage (not Friendship) Expects the Man and Woman to Totally Commit to Each Other
For this reason a man shall leave his father and his mother, and be joined to his wife; and they shall become one flesh. (Genesis 2:24 NASB1995)
Much like the leader/helper roles don’t apply to friendship, the leave-your-parents-to-become-one-with-your-spouse arrangement doesn’t apply to friendship. Yes, becoming one flesh happens when a husband and wife have sex, but it also happens as they combine their two separate lives into one life. Unlike friendship, marriage requires a husband and wife to be all-in. Though it’s healthy to have multiple friends—rather than just one friend you devote all your time and energy to—it’s obviously not healthy to have multiple spouses.
Plus, when two people become friends, they don’t have a ceremony to celebrate the formation of the friendship or publicly commit to love one another until death. Some friendships last for many years, but most are temporary. However, God designed marriage to last a lifetime. Friends come and go in different seasons of life, but a husband and wife are meant to stay together through every season.
3. Marriage (not Friendship) Gives the Man and Woman a Safe Place to Fully Know Each Other
And the man and his wife were both naked and were not ashamed. (Genesis 2:25 NASB1995)
Though friends can show affection, there are limits on the physical intimacy they can (and should) have. Marriage is the only relationship in which God permits—and encourages—a man and woman to be completely physically intimate with one another. He created them to be fruitful, multiply, and fill the earth by having sex (Genesis 1:28). In marriage, they can be naked and unashamed.
A husband and wife can also be naked and unashamed emotionally, mentally, and spiritually. One of the hardest lessons I learned through the friendship I mentioned in last week’s post is that I shouldn’t entrust myself to a friend the way I’ll entrust myself to my husband one day. I realized I shouldn’t have been so open with my friend—because when our friendship ended, she carried all my secrets with her. But the beauty of marriage is that a husband and wife can fully know each other and be fully known by each other. In short, they can let their guards down.
Closing Thoughts
While friends can be wonderful companions, they’re not designed to be “substitute spouses.” Whether you’re married or unmarried, know that marriage is a unique relationship! We can either pretend that it’s basically the same as friendship, or we can embrace what makes it unique.
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