Where God's Word Meets Our Mess
As my friends sort through their romantic relationships—whether they're married, engaged, dating, or almost-dating—I sort through my feelings of emptiness, loneliness, and despair. I cling to my unwantedness. It feels wrong to cling so tightly to such an ugly feeling, but I can’t seem to let it go. I simply want to know this: Am I wanted?
So my promise for this post is that I won't give you any cookie-cutter answers. No wearing plastic smiles, hiding behind masks, or slapping Band-Aids on our broken hearts. Just real answers for our real doubts about why we've never had real relationships.
I listened to a slightly-too-convicting podcast last night (ahem). It was the By Faith podcast with host Christine Hoover and guest Callie Nixon. Callie shared about her struggles with lust, masturbation, and porn, which was a struggle that lasted for years. The most interesting, beautiful part of the podcast was Callie's observation that it was Jesus’ kindness—not His anger or His punishment or His "holding out" on her—that allowed her not to have a boyfriend while she was in the midst of her struggles with personal sexual sin.
The reason my heart hurt was because it seemed like the commenters could only express their feelings in the comments section under my article. Was that the only “safe” place for them to share how they truly felt about guys and relationships? My story of longing and loneliness was their story, too.
Somehow, I still have a hardcore crush on Sean. I stare at him from across the cafeteria at meals. I look up his picture in the college directory when I’m feeling lonely. I imagine us having this amazing relationship that would make you crazy jealous. But it’s all fake. It’s all in my head.
Honestly, there are lots of reasons why I’m scared about dating. I’m unsure what we’ll talk about, when we’ll discuss physical boundaries, how we’ll share hopes and dreams about the future, etc. Maybe, if you’re a completely inexperienced dater like me, you can relate to these three fears.
I didn’t just want a charming guy to sweep me off my feet. I wanted a man who could bring me closer to Christ. And that kind of spiritual maturity reveals a heart that is satisfied in God. If I could tell that young man (or any of the young men I’ve been attracted to over the years) what I desire in a future husband, I would say this.
Girls are trying too hard to make their dreams a reality. We try to force what isn’t meant to be. I know that lots of girls have boyfriends in high school. And those girls may look happy and appear satisfied, but you don’t see the tearful, heart-wrenching breakups that wouldn’t have occurred if those girls had been patient.
Tizzie's Tidbits of Truth 